Finding Adult Role Models for Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents

Posted on April 26, 2012 by admin

In our past several posts, we’ve taken a look at some of the misconceptions about children of gay parents and research indicating that same-sex parents are just as effective as their heterosexual counterparts.

This time, we figured we’d discuss a prominent parenting issue within the community: finding other adult role models for our children. In our case, our children are being raised by two mommies (we’ll get to what our children actually call us in a future post). Both of us feel it is important for our twins to have positive male influences in their lives, so we make sure they get a lot of exposure to some of our close male friends and family-members.

We came across an excellent discussion of the topic on The Rainbow Babies that provides some guidance about finding gender role models for children of same-sex parents. Among the suggestions: find a family member or friend, appoint a god parent, participate in a buddy program such as Big Brothers Big Sisters or join a support group.

If you’re interested in going the support group route, here is a state-by-state listing of available resources.

There are two factors to consider when choosing a role model. The first is to make sure you have thoroughly vetted the person. Make sure you trust them, they are attuned to your parenting style and preferences and that the children would be safe in their care. The second is to make sure the potential role model is supportive of your family and your lifestyle, which will prevent you from being undermined.

Make sure you have a frank conversation about the expectations on both sides. The last thing you want is for the role model to prematurely back out after bonding with your child — which no doubt would inject instability into your family — or for their to be some uncertainty about what their relationship with your child should look like.

Another piece of advice is that you might not have to try very hard. Children are amazingly adept at finding role models. It will certainly start to happen when they attend school and make friends.

Kids also are a lot smarter, intuitive and observant than we give them credit for. They will absorb both traditional and untraditional gender roles on their own. In the end, their preferences and personalities will prevail. The best thing you can do is be open with them, expose them to the world and guide them as they figure things out on their own.

Is the system broken?

Posted on April 24, 2012 by admin

With hundreds of thousands of children mired in the foster care system — and more than 100,000 waiting for permanent homes — we’ve always found it peculiar that barriers are thrown up to prevent them from being adopted into loving families just because the prospective parents are the same gender.

Given the horrors that can occur in foster homes and the fact that children often are uprooted several times while in the system, it would seem logical to afford foster kids the opportunity to be placed in more stable environments where they can thrive. Instead they are left in a system fraught with abuse and neglect.

At last count, only 18 states have state laws and policy that explicitly allow same-sex adoptions in which both parents can petition for custody. Some couples have had limited success in two other states, where courts have granted adoptions in limited circumstances. While progress has been made in recent years, the pendulum seems to have made a recent, troubling turn in places like Virginia, which passed an anti-gay adoption rule in February.

In our book, Getting to Baby, we recount our two near-misses with adoption (as well as provide a number of tips for how to make adoption work). While neither instance involved a child being adopted from foster care or state-sanctioned discrimination, the adoption process can be quite daunting, costly and emotionally-draining. We got really close to adopting: In our second try, we were in the hospital room feeding and bonding with our baby when the rug was pulled out from under our feet at the last possible moment.

Given the challenges with adoption and the current national political backdrop, it is heartwarming to hear of people working to make it a smoother, more supportive process.

Recently, David Wing-Kovarik, a man who works with same-sex couples to cut through bureaucracy and preconceived notions, was named a CNN Hero. Wing-Kovarik and his partner were ready to adopt a foster child in Arizona, when they were asked which one of them would petition for custody because they couldn’t do it together.

The couple eventually relocated to Seattle, where they successfully adopted two sibling boys. Since then, Wing-Kovarik created Families Like Ours, a nonprofit that provides adoption training to 250 prospective couples a year and also has a case management system in place to support couples as they move through the process.

The good news is that there are folks like Wing-Kovarik who tirelessly advocate for foster children. Also, the number of gay adoptions has been rising. About 19 percent of all children being raised by gay parents in 2009 were adopted, up from just 8 percent in 2000, according to the New York Times.

Clearly, however, there is much more work to be done.

Isn’t non-traditional the new traditional? Maybe it should be.

Posted on April 19, 2012 by admin

One of the most common misconceptions I hear is that same-sex couples are somehow less able than their straight counterparts to raise happy, healthy and balanced children. Fears about the parenting skills and family dynamics of same-sex couples are sometimes stoked by politicians and preachers, with some even claiming that children would be better off if they were raised in a single-parent environment.

The truth is that those fears are unfounded, and are often perpetuated by those who have never spent time with nontraditional families. It is not the specific demographic makeup of the family unit that counts, it is whether children are raised in a loving, supportive environment that matters. Homosexual couples are just as able to provide the compassion, patience and structure necessary to raise a little one. I see it (and live it) everyday.

I recently found a great article that addresses the question of whether same-sex couples disadvantage their children in any way. “Why Gay Parents May Be the Best Parents” is filled with tons of trusted sources that have conducted research on this subject. The bottom line is that children who have been raised by gay or lesbian couples tend to be more tolerant and sensitive to discrimination, but in addition they grow up to be just as successful and well-adjusted as children from straight couples.

If anything affects such children, it isn’t whether they were raised by two men or two women, but it has more to do with the way society reacts toward such families and their children. For example, past generations have looked down upon and discriminated against multi-racial families. Over time, those negative feelings have generally subsided. Today, there are actors, actresses, athletes, business executives, musicians, scholars, judges and even, the President of the United States, who are the product of such non-traditional family environments.

For more insight into the lives of gay and lesbian parents as well as the children they have raised, I recommend checking out Quotes From Gay Parents and Their Children. It is filled with a number of incredible quotes from not only gay and lesbian parents, but also the views of their children. Here is my favorite:

“Most likely there will always be women who move with women, women who live with men, men who choose men. I work for a time when women with women, women with men, men with men, all share the work of a world that does not barter bread or self for obedience, nor beauty, nor love. And in that world we will raise our children free to choose how best to fulfill themselves. For we are jointly responsible for the care and raising of the young, since that they be raised is a function, ultimately, of the species.”

— Audre Lorde, author and lesbian mother

We as a generation will be judged by how well we prepare our children for the many challenges they will confront. Gay and lesbian couples everywhere are up to the task. We provide the same support, love and devotion as our next-door neighbors, even if our family portraits might look just a little different.

Let The Outspoken Nation be Heard!

Posted on April 17, 2012 by admin

Earlier this week, we wrote about Zach Wahls, a young man who was raised by lesbian parents through donor insemination. Coincidentally (and unbeknownst to us as we wrote that post), Family Equality Council announced last Friday April 6, 2012, that Zach Wahls will serve as co-chair of the organization’s latest initiative – The Outspoken Nation. The initiative has been developed to serve as an advocacy group for “young adult children of LGBT parents.”

Much to our satisfaction, there seems to be increased positive attention to the issue of same-sex couples and parenting as of late. Why is this? Well for starters, the LGBT community is finally beginning to see the rewards for all of its hard-fought battles since the dawn of the modern gay rights movement a little over 40 years ago. The progress that has since been made, slowly-but-surely, led to the “gayby boom,” an influx of same-sex couples either adopting children or conceiving through donor insemination. Many of those children are now either young adults or adults with families of their own and are ready to share their stories with the mainstream in an effort to clear-up some of the misconceptions held by our collective society thanks to years and years of ad hominy from critics of LGBT lifestyles.

Initiatives such as The Outspoken Nation function as more than just a mouthpiece for children of same-sex couples, however. They also provide emotional support and encouragement to these kids who are quite often told that their families aren’t “real families” because they are “different from the norm.” Our laws only work to underscore this perception as many in government fight to narrowly define marriage as only a union between a man and a woman. Leaders such as Zach Wahls and his co-chair, Ella Robinson, are sources of inspiration, positive influence, and encouragement for young people who are growing-up in homes with gay and lesbian parents.

I was speaking to some dear and long-time friends the other day – a lesbian couple who’ve been together for over 10 years now. They are currently raising a teenage boy who they initially took in as a foster child and eventually had the opportunity to adopt. They told me that people frequently ask them why they’d want to set a child up to be potentially persecuted and that they hear that ϋber cliché – kids need a mother and a father to grow-up to be “normal” – all the time. They said, as far as they see their situation, they were the loving and stable people who stepped-in and took-on the responsibility to raise a child who, at a very tender age, was being neglected by an absentee father and a mother who could barely take care of herself. They said that since their son has been with them, virtually all of the difficulties he was experiencing in school prior to their intervention have diminished and he is now making excellent grades and behaving in class. They say he is a well-mannered, well-adjusted, normal boy who likes to play basketball and video games with his friends.

The thing they were most pleasantly surprised to discover during their journey into parenthood? Their son’s friends think it’s cool that he has two moms. “Our house has somehow become the place where all the neighborhood kids congregate. We’re not quite sure how that happened, but we’re not complaining. Five years ago when it was just the two of us in this house, it was so quiet sometimes that you could hear a pin drop. Now, the house is alive with the laughter of kids running in and out, raiding the refrigerator, and me, the mom who nags her son about homework and personal hygiene! Who’da thunk!?”

An Ambitiously Fertile Idea: On Infertile Ground

Posted on April 12, 2012 by admin

I found myself struggling to write this blog post. My first indication being my day-long procrastination and letting myself be easily distracted by other tasks. Don’t get me wrong, I love this topic – creating families – and I could talk and write about it endlessly! But today I struggled to find the right entry point into what I wanted to express.

That is, until I saw a post on our Facebook wall by On Infertile Ground – The Documentary, produced by Misconceived Films, Limited.

On Infertile Ground hopes to become a crowdsourced/funded documentary on the journey which so many people and couples silently face alone; infertility. It’s an impressive undertaking; the topic is not all that popular in the film genre and its fruition is largely dependent upon the financial contributions of others. And as stated on their website and funding page, some of the documentary team staff are personally experiencing infertility.

The project has a funding page which outlines the levels of contributions being accepted and shows the time remaining until the end of the fundraising campaign. Sadly, the countdown clock shows 30 days left, and funding is less than 50% of the goal. However, its noted that the corporate seed funding was supplied up front, and their current campaign is set up to help fill some gaps between the corporate and public funding they expect to receive.

Original painting by Robert Ives. Depending on contribution levels, certain donations will receive an original painting by Mr. Ives. To see more of his work, visit www.oninfertileground.com

Back to why this attracted my distracted mind. There were so many people that my partner and I met and got assistance from during our quest, our journey, for a family. Not that the twins were crowd-sourced, but in a way, perhaps they were. Our experiences, our
disappointments, led us to decisions and choices and people. And through this process, we eventually came to our surrogate and ended up joyously in love with our twins. So I suppose, yes, in a way, the twins were crowd-sourced. I can’t help but see parallels between the movie and our personal experience.

The topic of infertility is most certainly painful to someone who is diagnosed as such, and oftentimes they are sadly cloaked in shame. I see a need to talk openly about infertility insomuch that its non-discriminatory in its affectations. Its through open discussions, meeting new people experiencing the same, hearing about new options, choices and the paths those choices lead to, that we will continue to push and lean on science and medicine alike to find ways to bring infertility solutions into the forefront and make family a reality for many.

For that reason, I hope the movie On Infertile Ground reaches its goal; that the documentary team is successful in all its funding and filming. If it comes to Georgia, you can bet that I’ll be standing in line for a ticket. Check out their website to see who the sponsors are that believe in this effort – and you can find out the ways in which you can help too, if not through a donation or an encouraging word on their Facebook wall, but perhaps you could simply spread the word of this ambitious project. Like they said on their website, “Odds are you know someone who is facing infertility… and odds are they haven’t told you”.

Every Child Deserves a Family

Posted on April 10, 2012 by admin

There is much emphasis being placed on the gay rights debate with each passing day. We see it all around us in the political and policy debates. “Should gay men and women be able to openly serve in our military?” “Should our laws be redefined to recognize gay marriage?” “Should gay couples have equal opportunities to adopt children?” There are a number of arguments coming from critics and advocates of the LGBT cause and these arguments warrant a closer examination.

It seems that the number one argument to which most naysayers default is, “a child needs both a mother AND a father to develop into a stable, emotionally secure, productive member of society.” Fair enough, but has anybody ever offered-up any hard evidence to support this claim? Furthermore, how many single mothers and fathers are out there raising bright, healthy, emotionally stable children all on their own? Has anybody ever asked a child of a gay couple about his or her upbringing?

In January, we wrote about the Every Child Deserves a Family Act. Senator Gillibrand introduced the Act on November 1st, 2011. This act would prohibit any entity that receives federal assistance and is involved in adoption or foster care placements from discriminating against prospective adoptive or foster parents solely on the basis of their sexual orientation, gender identity, or marital status.

And then in late January, early February, the interwebs were taken by storm by an intelligent and well-spoken young man named Zach Wahls who spoke to the Iowa House of Representatives as an example of a child/young adult having been raised by lesbian parents.

Whether or not you’ve seen this video, its’ message bears cause for repeating. Zach Wahls, who was raised by a lesbian couple, felt compelled to share his testimony about what a terrific job his mothers have done in raising him during a public forum on the House Joint Resolution 6 in the Iowa House of Representatives. Zach reveals that when his biological mother was artificially inseminated, his grandparents were all but pleased; however, it wouldn’t be long until “’they broke down as soon as they witnessed my infantile cuteness.” Zach goes on to say that over the years, his family functioned as any “normal” family does – “we go to church, eat dinner, and go on vacation together, and, yes, sometimes we even fight.” As a student at the University of Iowa, Zach says that the issue of gay marriage and “can gays raise kids?” often times comes up in his classes. Zach’s response is a resounding “yes.” He explains that he is a testament to the fact that gay couples can indeed raise good, productive, and emotionally stable kids. After listing all of his academic, extra-curricular, and professional accomplishments, Zach – a seemingly polite, respectful, intelligent, and charismatic young man – raises one of his most powerful points to the chairman overseeing the deliberations – “If I were your son, mister chairman, I believe I’d make you very proud.” Indeed you would, Zach.

Wahls goes on to explain that he is “not much different” than the children of those listening to his story, and that his family is also, “not much different” than their families. He adequately and eloquently relates that family cannot possibly be defined by what the government says it should be. Instead, “family comes from the commitment we make to each other.” This revelation propels us to the realization that not only are children a blessing to the world, but so too are loving, attentive parents – no matter what their gender or orientation – who foster commitment and caring within their homes.

To further the goal of Every Child Deserves a Family Act, we encourage you to write to the U.S. Senators and ask them to support this important legislation. Here is one example of a publicly shared letter of support, and another.

Top 5 Things You Should Know About Egg Quality

Posted on April 5, 2012 by admin

While you are undergoing and IVF cycle you will no doubt have a lot on your mind. Most people don’t think about egg quality, it’s not necessarily on the top of their list. One of the single most important aspects to a successful IVF cycle is however, the quality of the eggs. The better quality the eggs, the better quality your embryo will be. In order to help give you some insight and knowledge on egg quality here are 5 things to help your journey to parenthood a little bit easier.

1) From birth women are already born with all of the eggs that they will ever make. Apart from sperm, there is no constant replenishment. Once a woman hits menopause, the ovaries have a more difficult time producing eggs and ovulation eventually stop completely. This doesn’t usually occur in women until they are between the ages of 30-50. As women get nearer to menopause, the ovaries have a more difficult time producing eggs, which is one of the reasons why the number of eggs retrieved in an IVF cycle varies from patient to patient. Remember that when you come for egg retrieval you can’t compare the number of eggs you have retrieved with the number someone else has retrieved. Quality is better than quantity! Keep in mind at your retrieval that the number of eggs you retrieve is not always predictive of cycle success and even those with small egg numbers can achieve a pregnancy.

2) Egg quality is of course affected by age but there are many other factors as well. There are ways to help improve the health of your ovaries and the egg quality. Our diet, environmental influences, hormonal issues, and stress are the most important factors to good egg quality. Contact your physician to discuss ways in which to maximize your egg quality and what you can do to use influence on egg quality to your advantage

3) Certain conditions can also affect your egg quality. Some of these are history of ovarian surgery, smoking, chemotherapy/radiation, and endometriosis. If you happen to have one or more of these conditions, it is extremely important that you discuss with your physician ways that may help positively influence your egg quality

4) Even if your physician tells you that you have decreased or poor egg quality, this does not mean you can’t or won’t get pregnant. This may mean however, that it will be more difficult for you, depending on the situation. If poor egg quality is a factor in your infertility and attempts to improve egg quality do not work, knowing this may help to make the decision to use donor eggs a bit easier.

5) Being realistic right from the get-go about your fertility is the best approach you can take. It’s possible that despite doing everything possible to improve egg quality, you still may not get pregnant. Make sure you find a good, caring physician, reduce stress as much as possible, and maintain a healthy lifestyle and weight. These are things you can do to improve your fertility but remember, be understanding of the hand you’ve been dealt. There are no guarantees. If you have been told you have poor egg quality and have tried all efforts to improve egg quality, moving forward and thinking about a donor egg can be the best chance for success.

Gay Couples Adoption Increases

Posted on March 29, 2012 by admin

Though there are no current reliable gay adoption statistics for America, there are however, statistics on children in gay homes. In 1976, there were between 300,000 to 500,000 gay and lesbian biological parents. In 1990, 6 to 14 million children had at least one gay or lesbian parent. Between 8 and 10 million children were being raised in gay and lesbian households.

In 1999, approximately 547,000 children in foster care in the US, 117,000 legally free for adoption. There were only qualified adoptive families available for only twenty percent of them. Ten percent of the US population is homosexual, meaning a lot of couples whose biological resources for children are reduced are currently prevented from filling in the adoption gap.

As reported on the 2000 Census, about 65,000 children lived with same sex parents. In 2012, 110,000 live with gay parents. That’s over a 100% increase. Of the total amount of children in U.S. households, less than 1% live with same-sex parents. Therefore, children with same-sex parents are still very much a minority.

However, even though the children with same-sex parents are still part of the minority, they aren’t any less happy or liable to turn out gay as any other child with heterosexual parents. Studies show that children with same-sex parents do not necessarily have differences in self-esteem, gender identity, or emotional problems from children growing up in heterosexual parent homes. These well-adjusted children are actually more likely to grow into successful independent adults because of the support they receive from their gay parents.

As time moves forward we have seen the rise in gay equality rights, adoption rights and marriage rights become forefront issues within our society. More and more people are striving for equality for gays, and hoping that more children will be given the opportunity to have a loving family to support them. It’s unfortunate that too many states are still putting up a fuss about gay families and the equality they deserve, that it is actually hurting the children who are just waiting to be adopted.

Although it is hard to keep tabs on the amount of adoptions by same-sex couples because of their privacy to not face discrimination, we have still been able to see the acceptance and amount of families grow substantially over time. Hopefully with this sense of awareness and determination from the LGBT community as well as advocates, we will see an even larger increase in LGBT families with the years to come.

Study: Same-Sex Parents Raise Well-Adjusted Kids

Lesbians and Donor Insemination

Posted on March 27, 2012 by admin

Traditionally, lesbian partners may become parents through donor insemination. Though donor insemination is a somewhat simple solution, a lot will depend on the quality of the sperm. Donor insemination is an option for lesbian women or partners who cannot have a child naturally and still wish to have a biological connection to their child. Some couples may choose to use an anonymous sperm donor through a sperm bank or fertility center, or a known donor that may be a friend or relative.

Lesbian insemination that uses donor sperm from a sperm bank can essentially provide the highest success rates with the shortest interval to conception. A combination of ovulation induction with oral medications, like Clomid, and two precisely timed donor inseminations, assures perfect timing and the highest success rates for pregancy. On the average it takes 2-3 insemination cycles to achieve a pregnancy. The type of insemination that the couple decides to use will be based on a number of factors, including personal preference, cost, and fertility potential.

Types of insemination include:

Intravaginal insemination (IVI). Unwashed sperm is placed into the vagina around the time of ovulation using a syringe or cervical cap. IVI can be done in a physician’s office or at home.

Intracervical insemination (ICI). Washed or unwashed sperm are placed in the cervix using a thin catheter and a syringe which pushes the sperm through the catheter. ICI is done in a physician’s office.

Intrauterine insemination (IUI). Washed sperm are placed in the uterus with a thin catheter that is passed through the cervix. IUI is performed in a physician’s office.

The medical physician will suggest that whoever is going to conceive should have a medical screening prior to trying. The doctor will suggest that whoever is to consider carrying the child, have a healthcare testing before trying. This allows identifying the health of both the mom and the child during the length of the pregnancy.

An appointment with a lawyer focusing on method issues is a must, usually one who has encounter and understanding utilizing same sex mother or father, is suggested. They can help with any necessary certification regarding lawful position as parents, or to identify the part of a known sperm contributor.

For more information about the procedure of contributor insemination speaking with your doctor is a key starting point, also read our book Getting to Baby. Our publication represents our trials, tribulations and triumphs that we went through on our journey to getting to our babies.

“Lesbians and Donor Insemination – Fertility & Infertility”

Modern Families: Books for Children

Posted on March 22, 2012 by admin

If you are looking for appropriate books for your child to read about different families, then theses are a few books you will definitely want to check out. With books about adoption, Donor Eggs/IVF and Modern Families, these books will help your child to grasp the understanding of different family life.

ADOPTION

Over The Moon: An Adoption Tale
By Karen Katz

Why We Love It: The cover art and illustrations throughout are whimsical, bright, and bold, completely drawing in parents and kids alike. The text flows beautifully with the graphics, explaining that a couple wanted a baby very badly and would travel a great distance to make their dream of a complete and happy family come true. “You grew like a flower in another woman’s belly,” sets the light-hearted tone of this read. This is an ideal book to begin a discussion of adoption with a young child because it doesn’t get weighed down with the notion and complication of birth parents and their inability to care for the child—instead, it offers an easy, magical explanation to the child and works as a springboard for future discussions that will evolve as the child grows older and is able to better understand the idea of a birth mom and the adoption process.

DONOR EGGS/IVF

Mommy, Was Your Tummy Big?
By Carolina Nadel

Why We Love It: This book is filled with charming and bubbly illustrations in pink and purple that will help parents explain both IVF and donor egg conception. It tells the story of a baby elephant who notices lots of pregnant animals with big round bellies and innocently asks, “Mommy, was your belly big?” The mommy elephant says yes, but of course the baby elephant has more questions, as she wants to know just how she got in her mommy’s belly. Mommy elephant explains that after trying to get pregnant and taking special medicine, the doctor found another elephant to help her and Daddy have a baby. This book is a terrific resource in opening up age-appropriate dialogue about donor eggs.

MODERN FAMILIES

Who’s in a Family?
By Robert Skutch

Why We Love It: This book looks at a vast array of families using snappy text and colorful illustrations. Some kids live with mom, dad, a brother and a Golden Retriever in a big house, while others live with just mom, and yet others travel back and forth between parents’ homes or live with a grandmother. But regardless of their differences, all of the families have love in common. The book features a blank page at the end, so your child can draw a picture of his own family.